It seems in recent days that every asshole on the street has been demanding that I see Avatar. I had yet to hear one negative word on the film, and everyone seemed to proclaim it to be the supreme movie experience. The problem was that I had little interest in seeing the movie. I had not seen any trailers, and my only exposure was a ten second clip that I saw on the news one morning.

This clip depicted a blue elf monster dogfighting on some pterodactyl. Then, the blue elf monster lovingly embraced another blue elf monster, glaring longingly into it's stupid, over sized eyes.

Really? This is the must see movie of 2010? Fuck off, Avatards.

However, after a couple weeks of pestering, my GF finally lured me to the theater with promises of nachos and blowjobs. After getting my picture taken with some oversized Alvin and Chipmunks promotional statues by spinning my cap sideways and throwing up my hood, I scored a 55 gallon drum of popcorn and took my seat. I was now prepared to ruin everyone elses movie experience within earshot with a nonstop flow of observational humor.

It seems that I was in for a surprise this night, as I was actually quite entertained. The CG was top shelf, as the blue elf monsters were not nearly as bad as I first envisioned. My first thought was: "That Na'vi has some nice tit-tays." I, of course, announced this. My GF was not entertained. My second thought: Yea, I'd hit it. I guess I would have to lift that cumbersome tail up. I wonder, if I just started fucking that blue elf monster, does it still count as rape? Probably not. I spent the next seven hours of the movie waiting in fierce anticipation for a Na'vi nip slip. In this regard, the movie is quite the disappointment.

The story was your standard human-rapes-alien-home-world-for-their-precious-resources affair. No real surprises, but I was, for the most part, entertained. Somewhere around act 27 I got kinda tired, as the C-story arc lost some of it's momentum, but the vicodin helped me to endure.

One thing that did disappoint was the over the top evil behavior of the Maine General. I don't remember his name, so henceforth he shall be referred to as Captain Kittenkill. It pisses me off when a director feels that he must take an evil character and make his every action a brutal display of puppy smothering power. True evil is calculating and understated, as showcased so elegantly in Inglorious Basterds with the evil Nazi guy. However, James Cameron knows that you are a shit chucking ape. Therefore, if General Kittenkill doesn't rape a retarded kid or kick an elderly person down some stairs in every scene then you won't understand that he is supposed to be a bad guy. We get it.

However, once they started carpet bombing the blue elf monsters all was forgiven. I had to suppress a chant of "USA! USA! USA!" when they took out the sacred tree. Then, as the Na'vi gathered in their holy garden (you know, the one with all the floating fishing lures), I felt genuinely bad for the plight of the indigenous monster cat creatures. In order to lift the other patrons spirits during this emotional moment, I waited until the music grew soft... then let the loudest pop corn fart of my life. I think my GF choked.

The best part was saved for the final act, when General Kittenkill battled Hot Wheels. After the blue elf monster disarmed Kittenkill, he did what all truly evil Mechs do in such a situation. He pulled a knife. I don't know how I didn't see that one coming. I won't spoil it for you, but General Kittenkill dies in a hail of blue monster arrows. Awesome.

In review, Avatar is truly a wonderful cinematic experience that should be enjoyed by all. Even though it clocks it at just under 3 weeks long, it is well worth the vacation time spent to appreciate the magnitude of the film. Do it, faggot. Become an Avatard.

P.S. SPOILER ALERT

Thank you.