I've just watched the U.S. SOTU address from the president and then the GOP response speech and a lot of analysis.
"Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right.... here I am, stuck in the middle with you".

Politics is taboo on the forums so all I have to say is...Tell me a joke to remind me some people don't take themselves too serious.

I'll start with a two 4 year old jokes:

Why does a cow wear a bell?
Because his horns don't work.

If you're American in the kitchen and Canadian in the living room, what are you in the bathroom?
European.

All jokes welcome. Good, Bad, Simple, Stupid, doesn't matter.

European? Himalayan.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender asks "Hey bud, why the long face?"

Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.

A rabbi, a priest, and a hooker walk into a bar. Bartender says "is this some kind of joke?"

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer: “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied: “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

What does the pope have for breakfast?

Ex Benedict.

What do you call a short prisoner escaping using a rope?

A little condescending.

Nice, keep them coming.

Sapphyre, yours was long, but worth it. Thanks.

So they tell jokes in Edmonton? I guess the internet lets them get out from under the snow. It's like you guys are real people too. :)

A pirate walks in to a bar. The bartender asks "Is that a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says " ARRRR! And it's drivin' me nuts!"

A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel as a hat, the bartender asks why the towel? Pirate relies, "Arrgh there be a bounty on me head!"

A pirate walks in to a bar. The bartender asks "Is that a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate says " ARRRR! And it's drivin' me nuts!"

That's pretty much my most favorite joke ever.

Guy walks into the psychiatrist's office, wearing nothing but saran wrap around his privates. The doctor looks up and says "Well, I can clearly see yer nuts." (It kinda has to be said aloud)

Not a joke; but this happened to me in Skyrim today. I was routing a nest of Necromancers in a Fort; one of them decided to raise dead a thrall...but he did it to a body inside one of those hanging cages; I laughed so hard at the scene I could have pissed my pants.

Not a joke; but this happened to me in Skyrim today. I was routing a nest of Necromancers in a Fort; one of them decided to raise dead a thrall...but he did it to a body inside one of those hanging cages; I laughed so hard at the scene I could have pissed my pants if my adult undergarment were not so functional.

I was saddened to read this.

Untrue. The Ph.D. in statistics is also largely useless.

Why do milking stools only have three legs?
'Cause the Cow's cot the udder!

********

A duck walks into a seven eleven. He loops up at the guy at the counter, and the guy looks down.

"What do you need?" asks the guy

The duck quacks. "Got any grapes?"

The guy at the counter shakes his head and says no. The Duck shugs and waddles away.

The next day the duck walks into the seven eleven and waddles to the counter. he looks up, and quacks "Got any grapes?"

The guy at the counter sighs "look, buddy, I told you yesterday. We don't have any grapes, now get out of here!"

The Duck shrugs and waddles away.

The NEXT day thew duck walks into the seven eleven. The guy at the counter seethes and stares at the duck as the duck asks "Got any grapes?"
The clerk yells "Look! We didn't have any grapes yesterday or the day before! We don't have any grapes, so get out of here before I nail you to the wall!"

The duck looks visibly shaken and waddles out.

the next day the duck walks into the seven eleven and waddles to the counter. The clerk, all twitchy eyed yells "WHAAAAT?" at the duck

"Got any nails?" asks the duck

Exasperated, the clerk yells "NO!"

"Got any grapes?"

*rimshot*

******

Thank you, I'm here all week.

I do that last one with a duck voice in person.

Untrue. The Ph.D. in statistics is also largely useless.

Untrue. We just hired one on a 3-week, $40K contract for consulting.

I asked my mailman why my letters were all wet... he said "postage dew."

Dear Algebra,
Stop asking me to find your X
She's not coming back.

I don't know Y either.

Why does the bookworm eat a pretzel made from electrical wire after reading a book? Because he enjoys a shocking twist at the end.

A man walks into the ER while on holiday and asks the person behind the desk "Is this the equestrian expectoration building?"

Puzzled, the person behind the desk just looks at him.

He quickly fumbles through a small book, then says slowly in broken English "Is this the horse spittle?"

If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?

If you receive an email from the Health Dept. telling you not to eat tainted pork because of swine flu, ignore it. It's just spam.