Inspired to completely humiliate myself to a bunch of people I know only on Vent, I've decided to post an event brought on by a night of ridiculous alcohol consumption.

Hopefully others will join in the hilarity.

In my very early 20's, there was no such thing as "Happy Hour." There was "Many Happy HourS". So one day after work, I have many Happy Hours. Around 9:00 or so, I realize that I had to feed my dog. So I stagger home and begin to prepare my dog's dinner.

My dog's name was Conan, and at the time he was a 187lb purebred English Mastiff. In a nearly-blind drunken haze I make his typical dinner: 4 hamburgers, 2 cans of wet food, 2 cups of dry food. Once finished, I take him into the basement with his gigantic bowl and mat.

The next thing I remember my mother is SCREAMING at me. I wake up and find that my head is all sticky, I'm stuffed up and I have a terrible taste in my mouth. Futhermore, my neck is killing me.

I ended up passing out with my head in my dog's food bowl. He ate his dinner, forcing bits of dog food up my nose and into my mouth, as well as slobbering all over my head and face. If you've ever seen the movie "Turner and Hooch" you'll understand the amount of slobber a Mastiff generates normally. Triple that amount and you'll begin to understand the copious amounts of doggie drool I was baptized in.

Hah!

I was at a sci-fi convention where I run a 3-day video game party (about 14 systems, everything from Atari to the latest consoles). I had some time off, so I wandered to the movie room where they were showing "Seconds". During the film's 90 minutes I drank a bottle of sake.

Then, wandering back to the party, I visited some friends who had a nice spread of gourmet olives. I helped myself to a bunch of these. Back at my party, someone had donated a chocolate cake. So I had a slice or two of that.

Then all the sake hit me at once. From what I've been told, the smell was incredible. People were reluctant to come anywhere near my body after I passed out in the corner.

Ok, here's another one.

So I'm visiting friends up in Brighton, MA. They lived in this really small Cape Code style home that had the TINIEST bathroom on the first floor.

George, the boyfriend of the friend I'm visiting, suggests we play Bullshit. At first I'm a bit reluctant to play because I'm drinking Vodka and they're drinking beer. Testosterone gets the better of me and I say, "Sure, why not!"

Sometime in the morning, I wake up, laying on a floor. I try getting up and I can't. I try to look around, but I can't. The only thing I see is the base of a white porcelain toilet bowl. Somehow I managed to get my head stuck between the base of the toilet bowl and the wall. To this day I don't understand how I did it because there was maybe five or six inches between the rim of the bowl and the wall.

My friends were all upstairs sleeping off the boozing from the night before, so I laid there for hours until one of them woke up and came downstairs. My friends, being the people they are, let me languish there for a while longer until their own fits of laughter subsided.

Eventually I was able to get free using a stick of butter and a lot of pulling and twisting.

Recently, my friend and I, (during one of those drunken moments where everything is SO clear, and makes PERFECT sense), decided we needed to go to the local college and hang out with her cousin. Now, we are 38 and her cousin and his friends are 20. You can imagine the look on their faces as we crashed into their dorm house with a cooler full of beer and liquor. I proceeded to play beer pong with a very cute college kid (the same age as my son!) as his girlfriend glared at me the entire time. Shortly after our beer pong win (YAY DRUNK ME!) they told us they needed to go to another party and kicked us out. (I'm sure they just wanted to get rid of us). My friend passed out on the way home and left me to drive of course. After stopping several times along the way to throw up, I somehow finally made the 45min drive home. I still don't remember driving home, and our cooler is forever lost to Muskingum College as we're WAY too embarrassed to go back to get it!

My best story involves pantywaist me attempting to outdrink Aro, who is Irish with all the prowess in alcohol the stereotype of that heritage implies.

Needless to say, I lost. The finer details of this story are unknown to me, because all I personally remember my ownself is "waking up" in a standing position, in Aro's bathroom, with no pants on.

Linnaris was standing there holding out a pair of pants.

"Where are my pants?" I inquired.
"You don't remember?" Linnaris replied in an ominous tone.

I did not.

"We went outside and you decided you should fall down on your knees in the mud." Linnaris told me. "So your pants are gross, and your pants are in Aro's washer, and these are a spare pair of Aro's pants that you need to put on and drink the tea Jami is making."

Two sips into the tea I was back in the bathroom communing with the seals, while Aro, who was not pukey drunk but still very drunk, groveled on the floor outside the bathroom crying and apologizing for mixing drinks that were too much for my wimpy butt all, "I'M A BAD HOSTESS."

Footnote 1: During the time I cannot remember, I was apparently doing the pantless dance away from Linnaris, refusing to put on the pants she proffered.

Footnote 2: It is only through the infinite patience and mercy of Jamisia and Linnaris that Aro and I are not currently holding up the wallpaper of that apartment in bitty bitty pieces while the police search vainly for any trace of our remains.

Please put a footnote in this story about how I held out the pants trying to coax you to put them on and you DANCED AWAY, laughing and jumping up and down. You woke up mid-jumping and frownily, immediately said, "Where are my pants?"

The first party I want to afte I turned 21 was a Halloween party. I went to the liqour store and was overwhelmed by what was out there. I had no idea what any of it was!

I looked around for a bit, picked up a bottle of Cuervo gold, cause I was a moron. I also got a bottle of Goldschlager cause I've had it before and it was 'yummy'. I also found the coolest bottle ever.. AFTERSHOCK! I mean COME ON! It had sugar crystals in it! I get the biggest bottle of that I can.

I arrive at the party in my monk suit, holding a bag full of booze and work my way out to the deck to visit the friends that invited me. There were about 5 people out there, I pulled out this big ass bottle of Aftershock and said "Hey guys! Isn't this cool!" the 5 of us passed it around and it was gone in about 15 minutes. 15 Minutes into this party and I am plastered and reek of cinnamon.

Next to come out of the bag was the Goldschlager. Yay, more minty cinnamony stuff. I'm feeling good now, and decide to take a little break from drinking and not mention I have a jug of tequila up my sleeve. A nice screwdriver sounds nice, I say, Barkeep, hook me up! Ahh. Nothing like a party cup full of vodka and a splash of OJ for 'color'.

I pull my keys out of my pocket and jingle them at the Host and say "Can you go lock my car and hold my keys, I'm gonna stay here." but what I really said was "Heyman.. keysh for the .. umm.."
The host snatched my keys and told me I wasn't going anywhere. That went back and forth for a while and my car never did get locked that night.

Fast forward several beers, 'special' drinks and 2 packs of smokes later, I'm sitting on the floor with my friend, having a total drunken conversation about the economics of Equador while trying to bust open this empty Aftershock bottle so we can eat the sugar crystals.

Ingomar, please put a second footnote in that story about how Linnaris and I were ready to KILL EVERYONE ELSE Tarantino-style. :D

My sophmore year in high school I went to a party at my so-called "friend's" apartment while his mom is out of town. The drunken bash is full of sophmores and juniors who managed to find some dumbasses to buy us an insane amount of cheap alcohol. I started the night with 2 bottles of Mad Dog and about 30 mins into the party I was looking for a place to lie down. I dropped myself onto my so-called "friend's" bed with a bottle of Strawberry Hill. The high school whore happened to see me wander off and followed. She shut the door, mounted on top of me and began attempting to undress me while desperately trying to leave nice big love marks on my neck and chest. She managed to get me undressed from my waist up when one of her best friends (who also had a thing for me) came in and yanked her off of me. I was so fucked up at this point I could care less if she stayed or went. I finished off my bottle of Hill and headed back into the living room, half dressed, and found a 40 of malt liquor -- I downed it. By this time I can't stand for more than 3 seconds at a time and I'm trying to pick a fight with everyone at the party because I'm trashed and everyone is starting to fuck with me.

Eventually, I pass out on his mom's bed and I'm awaken from time to time by my ass clown friends who think it's funny to pelt me with basketballs and use me for their sharpie graffiti. At some point during the night they managed to wake me up enough that I got up, got a couple of really good punches on two guys -- enough to have them all running out of the room. I made a dash for the bathroom, locked the door and barricaded it with everything in the bathroom minus the mounted fixtures. I ran some bath water thinking a bath might help me sober up. While I'm waiting on the water, I empty the contents of my stomach covering the bathroom and soaking the wallpaper. I pass out in the bath tub, still half dressed. Luckily, I didn't manage to fill it up much.

In the morning the jackasses managed to pick the lock on the door and found me alive. They were immediately repelled from the room by the smell of my vomit which gave me time to gather my shoes and jet out of the apartment. I got into my truck and somehow drove to my grandmother's house. She opened the door and found her grandson standing their half dressed and covered in profane sharpie markings and vomit. I told her I fell in a ditch and went straight for her couch. I woke up a few hours later with my mom sitting next to me.... I was grounded for about a year.

And my girlfriend at the time didn't appreciate the hickies.

Oh I'm sure that didn't last. He was probably "grounded" for a day.

*searches the copious drunken escapades in her mind for something to top the list*

There's too damn many to narrow it down. Seriously. And these were GREAT! The dogfood bowl... no pants... Don and the vomit! My god, you guys make me feel like I've just come home.

Wow you were really stuck huh, that must of freaked you the fuck out once you woke up.

I do have one...but I lack the energy to type it out right now. :)

I don't really have any funny embarrasing drunk stories, I have a few involving other substances though.

Drinking that much Aftershock is plenty embarassing.

Oh, I wanna play!

I could not handle my alcohol in high school since I rarely drank. One Thanksgiving, I ended up going to one of those "lets get drunk around a fire in the woods party" later on the evening. It took one super-sized McDonals cup of some $1 vodka and random mix to put me in a black-out stage. My "friends" didn't want me to drive, so this guy drove me in my car to his house about two streets away from mine. Although I don't remember a thing, I supposedly convinced the guy that I was OK to drive myself home when we got to his house.

At the time, my mother lived accross the street from me. At about 6am she looked out her window to see the fire department digging up our front lawn to put dirt in the driveway. The front door was wide open and my car was in the bushes. Somewhere on my trip home, I had torn the gas line out of my car and the neighbors must have called the fire department. I was passed out in pool of vomit on the kitchen floor. Upon seeing my mother I promplty stated, "it's OK, I haven't been drinking!". Before she had the energy to stop crying and lift her jaw off the floor I decided to admit my misdeeds, "Ok...I did drink a little". To this day my only vague memory of the evening was talking to a police officer at my front door. I remember stating, "It's OK, I have a license!" and my license was left on the kitchen table. I can only imagine they cut me a break because they didn't catch me actually driving. To this day, I will adamantly NOT drive after having more than one drink.

In my college days, I ended up in a black out and puked in my hat. Apparently ashamed by the experience, I decided to trek ten miles to my house. Only, I forgot my coat! I made it about a quater of a mile to a bank. I let myself into the ATM vestibule, somehow losing the card and fell asleep in the warm corner. I have no idea why I kept my puky hat which promptly disintergrated when I tried to wash it. I wish I had a video of peoples reactions when they came in to use the ATM machine!!!

The rest of my many drunk stories are far too embarrassing lol...

When I was just barely twenty-two, my life exploded in horrible, terrible ways. So my best friend, because he is my best friend, decided that what I needed was to go out barhopping and get drunk. As Ing has already mentioned, I am Irish, and it takes a lot of drinking for me to get very drunk. Luckily, my best friend is ALSO Irish, and knew exactly what needed to happen in order to get me there.

I do not remember much of the night. What I do remember is Nate taking me home, where my all ofo my siblings were still up playing video games. What is important background here is that I am the eldest, and I was The Good Child; they had never seen me intoxicated before. So they were laughing their ASSES off, especially when I whipped out my zippo and exictedly informed them that "This is a lighter! It makes fire! Even upside-down!" and promptly set my sleeve aflame.

Ing, I think we should tell The Wasabi Story.

Oh, I wanna play!

....

The rest of my many drunk stories are far too embarrassing lol...


If you're gonna play, there is no such thing as too embarrassing. Spill. Bitch.

I would love to play, but I don't drink.

synopsis, through the haze.. how do you folks remember all of this shit:

naked trips to the grocery store, wrapped in a sheet to buy stuff to make spaghetti at 3 a.m.

drunk, cringing in the closet because 'the FUCKERS are coming to GET ME!!!'

walking around in a circle around a house being attached to a tree because 'my crutch' had to go pee, so I stood there, hanging onto a tree limb, singing 'Just a swangin' at the top of my lungs

blacking out from cases of Olympia Gold while singing 'Zombie' as loud as I could and in PERFECT PITCH, and then moving on to 'Little Miss Can't Be Wrong'.

punching my boyfriend Gary-Oldman-style (True Romance) and busting his nose because he scared me by sneaking up on me

forcing all of my friends to do the Time Warp and the Harlem Shuffle while doing shots of Tequila out of my cleavage. Omg, that really happened, it's all coming back to me now...

pushing my friend out of my moving car because she just threw up on herself and the smell was overwhelming.. I was laughing so hard I couldn't see the road

and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I sing too much, dance too much, and um... other things... too much when I drink. But I can't get into the more debaucherous stuff so, um, yeah, that's it. :D

Oh, I wanna play!

....

The rest of my many drunk stories are far too embarrassing lol...


If you're gonna play, there is no such thing as too embarrassing. Spill. Bitch.


Doh! Ok...well here is another one:

Back in my military days, we used to drive down to Myrtle Beach quite often to get smashed and cause trouble. Being an under 21 lightweight at the time, I was arrested nearly every time we went. I even had a pink T Shirt that read "I got arrested in Myrtle Beach and all I got was this lousy T Shirt!" No idea why it was pink...I guess I thought it was funny.

Anywho, on a particular trip we were determined not to get arrested. Since I was the usual weak link, a plan was devised to keep me less drunk. The combat life saver in our platoon brought a couple of saline bags and planned to give me IV's at strategic points in the night. Thinking that this would keep me somewhat more sober than usual, I naturally drank far more than usual and consequently became wrecked beyond belief. This is what I get for letting a guy nicknamed "Shakey" poke needles in my arm.

While I was drunker than usual, the placebo effect of receiving of getting an IV had me acting relatively well behaved. Of course the one IV that I did end up getting was administered while I was drinking vodka. As the night progressed, we moved from bar to bar and roamed the beach in drunken nomadic fashion. At some point I started to get to a pre-blackout stage. I REALLY didn't want to be the cause of any trouble AGAIN. So I decided to wander off and take a nap.

This is the last thing I remember. I woke in sitting in a holding cell minus my shoe laces. Apparently, I was found in the back of a police cruiser wearing my pink T shirt and taking a drunken siesta. To this day, I'm not sure if I stupidly chose the back of an empty police cruiser as my napping spot or if someone found my disoriented chicken-ass and decided to play a CRUEL joke. My platoon SGT was so amused by the story of me passed out in a police cruiser with my pink "I got arrested in Myrtle Beach and all I got was this lousy T Shirt!" shirt that I didn't even get in trouble this time.

I was either 18 or 19 when this happened...I didn't develop an alcohol tolerance until 21ish. It's been all downhill ever since... >_>

Anywho, on a particular trip we were determined not to get arrested. Since I was the usual weak link, a plan was devised to keep me less drunk. The combat life saver in our platoon brought a couple of saline bags and planned to give me IV's at strategic points in the night. Thinking that this would keep me somewhat more sober than usual, I naturally drank far more than usual and consequently became wrecked beyond belief. This is what I get for letting a guy nicknamed "Shakey" poke needles in my arm.


This is one of the wonderful benefits of military training, with the stupidity of thinking it would actually WORK being a drawback. It's all about equality.

I want to hear more acts of Debauchery from Sherica!

with pictures!

But I can't get into the more debaucherous stuff so, um, yeah, that's it. :D


Why not? Is it because it's not actually very funny, or because we're keeping a certain level here? I need to know before I post any stories.